Who Knew // Codependency + Recovery
I had been convinced for the first 25 years of my life that I would never get married, that there wasn’t anyone who would want to be with me, that I couldn’t possibly pass my dysfunction onto children, and that there would be no happy ever after. My statement to friends, on meeting my husband-to-be for the first time, was that I’d just met the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. It wasn’t a smooth transition into married life, there were several significant bumps along the way. And, now that I know, more red flags than any circus. Still, we persisted, or at least I did. Looking back on it, my ability to persist could win medals, especially in terms of self-sacrifice.
I did everything that I could to save my marriage, not appreciating that it had been heading towards the rocks before it had even started. Much of it was misguided and, as I slowly became aware, out of my control. It was extremely difficult coming to terms with the fact that my entire value system not only depended on someone else but was being slowly dismantled. When I moved out of the family home I was convinced that this would be the trigger to instigate action, that it would provide the motivation. After a couple more moves and a year of holding my breath, it became clear that it was never going to and that the dream of married forever was over.
It amazes me how no one mentioned the term codependency to me. There was a recognition that marriages quite often went through difficult periods in sobriety, some friends recommending Al-anon for the partner. No one mentioned CoDA (Codependents Anonymous).
It took a while for me to find a space to see this. My energy was initially diverted into supporting my children and building a new foundation for them, putting my life on hold whilst I did this. It was during this period that I found Laura McKowen’s We Are The Luckiest course and not only discovered her deeper, broader take on sobriety but was also introduced to Jodi White. My time with Jodi has been transformational. For a long time, the term codependency struck me as being about dependence on someone else, not about an assessment of my own behaviours.
It is only by being guided through understanding love addiction and then mother hunger, have I accepted that codependency underpins it all.
According to Pia Mellody, there are five core symptoms of codependence:
Difficulty Experiencing Appropriate Levels of Self-Esteem
Difficulty Setting Functional Boundaries
Difficulty Owning Our Own Reality
Difficulty Acknowledging and Meeting Our Own Wants and Needs
Difficulty Experiencing and Expressing Our Reality Moderately
For me, this is my work. There are moments of specialisation and deep dive - my finances, my relationships, my children, but realigning myself against these five symptoms and moving towards my functional adult self is where the magic is happening.
Understanding the complexities of personality and behaviour, how many of these are accepted as defining, instead of appreciating what could be changed, has been phenomenal. Identifying how fragile and vulnerable I could be with my previous model of self-esteem, that when it isn’t based on self it is based on others and the risk that brings. Learning how to build and own it, on all levels.
Then, of course, they interlink. How can I have boundaries without self-esteem? How do I know how not to move into other people’s boundaries when I have no idea how to stay inside my own? What is my reality if I have no boundaries? How do I ever achieve moderation as someone who swings wildly from left to right, from all in to all out, where there is no ground in between the black and the white?
It can be overwhelming when we first sit with all of this but, allowing for a slow and gentle transition, it is all achievable. The grace of a work in progress, of a lifetime’s effort.
The acknowledgment that there is no such thing as perfection. I get to define my reality:
I can learn how to look after my body.
I can reprogram my thinking.
I can allow my emotions space to be expressed and nurtured.
I can improve my behaviour.
Awareness has always been the beginning for me, the starting point. The ‘now I know better, I can do better’ moment whilst gently acknowledging that change takes time, and I may not always do better because change is also hard. One of the hardest pieces for me comes from needs and wants. I am chipping away at this. Taking my own approach at coming in from all angles as well as working from the inside out. It is relentless. My survival instinct to have none of either is deeply ingrained. Leaning into them physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually is critical for me. But overall, what is most reassuring is that there’s an equation to use, and having employed plenty of equations to get sober, this is my guiding star.
Boundaries + Reality = Moderation
When I do the work on the left, the right will come, what’s not to love?
One of the beauties of working with others is that I can no longer sit still. Plateauing in my recovery is not an option; if I see an opportunity for growth arrive, I have to pick it up, with both hands. Which I now choose to see as completely reassuring. My experience tells me that when I sit still, I can go backward without noticing. Still does not mean stationary. There is a gentle subconscious pull towards old habits, old behaviours, and survival mode. If I’m not moving forward then I am open to the risk of moving backwards. That is not what I want. That is not what I came for. That is no longer what I believe I am worth.
Sobriety is for a life beyond my wildest dreams. My recognition of my value is where I choose to make this come true. Everything that my life stands for is about new beginnings, it’s about hope, it’s about dreams. Some of those dreams may have been based on fantasy, but all of them have been about saving my life. My children were my motivation to get sober and without them, I doubt I would be here today. It didn’t have to be about traditional family values but it was about family.
As for my values, today I get to define my own. I do it deliberately and with intention. I look at what I want to hold space for, and where I want to prioritise my efforts and energy. My spiritual growth has been hugely important to me since getting sober and I am constantly discovering the rewards of having a higher power in my life. It has all come together, the space, the opportunity or challenge, and the growth. Slowly, gently, the pace is set.
